I Got My Teen a Cell Phone - What Do I Do Now?
Three Simple Strategies to Go from Concerned to Confident
So you got your teen a cell phone, and now you're wondering what comes next. Maybe you're second-guessing the decision, worrying about screen time, or overwhelmed by all the apps and potential risks. If you're feeling a little stressed about navigating this new phase, you're not alone.
The decision of when to get your teen a phone is one that many parents agonize over. There's no shortage of opinions out there about the "right age" or whether kids should have smartphones at all. But here's what I know after 15 years of working with teens and their families: the best guide for this decision is you, the parent who knows your teen and your family's needs.
If you've decided your teen is ready for a phone, then trust that judgment. And now that they have one, let's focus on setting everyone up for success.
Watch below or read on for three simple strategies to help you move from concerned to confident.
First Things First: You're Doing Great
Before we dive into the strategies, let's acknowledge something important: phones aren't all doom and gloom. Yes, there are risks and challenges to navigate, but there are also real benefits. Phones allow teens to express creativity, stay connected with friends and family, and provide a lifeline for emergencies. The goal isn't to eliminate all phone use or live in constant fear of what could go wrong. The goal is to help your teen develop a healthy relationship with technology.
So take a breath. You've got this. Let's talk about how to move forward with confidence.
Strategy 1: Keep Talking
The first and most important thing to do now that your teen has a phone is to keep talking. Many parents have one big conversation when they first hand over the phone covering rules, expectations, approved apps, and boundaries. That's a great start. But then the conversation ends, and that's where things can go sideways.
Technology is constantly evolving. New apps gain popularity seemingly overnight, existing apps change their features and functionality, and the way teens use these platforms shifts rapidly. This means that a one-time conversation about phone use simply isn't enough. (Not to mention that like with most things, teens need a lot of reminders and reinforcements about expectations.) These discussions need to be ongoing and responsive to what's actually happening in your teen's digital life.
What Ongoing Conversations Look Like
The good news is that these don't need to be formal, sit-down meetings every time. Instead, weave conversations about phone use into your everyday interactions:
Ask curious questions about their phone use - "What’s your favorite app right now?” “How do I use this feature on Instagram?” “Who do you like to follow on TikTok?”
Reinforce boundaries you've established - Reminders about when phones should be put away don't have to be confrontational. We all need help setting limits (especially when our phones and the accompanying apps are designed to keep us scrolling).
Revisit rules and boundaries together - what felt reasonable six months ago might need adjusting as your teen matures or as technology changes. It’s ok to be flexible or change the expectations, just be sure to engage your teen in those conversations.
Discuss concerns as they arise - Whether it's a news story about online safety, something you heard from another parent, or a worry you have - talk to your teen. Don’t impose a new rule or ban a certain social media platform in a moment of fear, connect with your teen about what’s going on, they might have a different take.
Reinforce your family's values - The values you’ve been teaching your kid since they were a toddler still apply to their digital life, we just need to help them translate it.
What matters most is that you're having regular conversations that reinforce your values and help your teen understand the reasoning behind your family's boundaries.
Strategy 2: Model the Behavior You Want to See
It may sound like a no-brainer, but your own technology use matters. A lot.
Recent research from the Journal of Pediatric Research and the Journal of Adolescent Health has found that parental screen use directly impacts teen behavior around phones and technology. Higher parental screen time is associated with increased total screen time in teens, as well as more problematic social media, video game, and phone use. Conversely, teens whose parents are less engaged with their phones tend to have better health outcomes overall.
This makes sense when you think about it. We can tell our teens all day long to put their phones down, but if we're constantly scrolling through our own feeds, checking work emails at dinner, or half-present because we're distracted by our screens, we’re not modeling the behavior we’re expecting from our teens.
Time for a Personal Phone Audit
Now that your teen has a phone is actually the perfect time to examine your own relationship with technology. Ask yourself:
Do you have personal boundaries around when and where you use your phone?
Do you limit screen time before bed or during meals?
Do you find yourself multitasking with multiple screens (i.e. scrolling while watching TV)?
Are you following the boundaries you've set for yourself? Or have you been meaning to set some boundaries but haven’t?
Most importantly, are you modeling the habits you want your teen to develop? If you want your teen to put their phone away during homework time, consider doing the same with your own work. If you want family dinners to be phone-free, everyone's phone needs to be put away, not just your teen's. If you're asking them to be present and engaged, demonstrating what that looks like is the best way to get them on board.
I know this can be challenging. Many of us developed our phone habits long before we were thinking about modeling behavior for our kids. But examining your own use alongside your teen's creates an opportunity for the whole family to build healthier tech habits together. You might even find that making these changes benefits you as much as it benefits your teen.
Strategy 3: Have Fun with It
Here's my final piece of advice, and it might surprise you: have fun. I know that seems counterintuitive when we spend so much time worrying about screen time and online safety. But phones and social media don't always have to be sources of stress and conflict. They can also be tools for connection.
Try some of the apps your teen is using. Ask them to show you what they're into. Send each other funny videos on TikTok or Instagram. Create shared playlists on Spotify. Play around with filters on Snapchat. Whatever your teen is excited about, lean into that interest.
When you show genuine curiosity about your teen's online world, not just concern or surveillance, you're doing several important things: building trust, keeping lines of communication open, learning about a space where they spend significant time, and you're finding new ways to connect with them during a developmental stage when connection can sometimes feel harder to maintain.
Plus, you might actually discover that some of the things they're doing are genuinely fun or interesting. Approaching your teen's phone use with a spirit of curiosity rather than just anxiety can transform these tools from a source of family tension into an opportunity for bonding.
Embracing the both/and
Here's the reality of teen cell phones: it's both a legitimate source of concern and an opportunity for connection and growth. Phones can be both helpful tools that keep teens safe and connected and devices that require thoughtful boundaries and ongoing conversation. As parents, we don't have to choose between being permissive or being overly controlling. The sweet spot is somewhere in the middle: engaged, informed, boundaried, and connected.
Giving your teen a phone is a big step, and it's natural to feel uncertain about whether you're doing it right. But remember, the goal isn't perfection. It's progress. Keep the conversations going, model the behavior you want to see, and don't forget to find moments of joy and connection along the way. You got this.
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