Navigating the Emotional Side of Parenting Teens
A Conversation with Therapist Amalia Miralrío
A candid discussion about emotional triggers, therapy, and building trust during the teen years
Parenting teens is emotionally complex in ways that parenting younger children just isn't. As teens push for independence, test boundaries, and figure out who they are, parents often find themselves navigating intense feelings—grief, anxiety, frustration, and sometimes even confusion about where their own emotions end and their reactions to their teen begin.
Recently, I sat down with my friend and colleague, Amalia Miralrío, LMSW, M.Ed. from Amity Detroit Counseling to talk through some of the most common emotional challenges parents of teens face. Amalia and I go way back - we were peer educators together in college, working on sexual violence prevention. Those experiences shaped both of our paths into this work, and it was wonderful to reconnect and dig into these questions together.
The Most Difficult Part: Letting Go
When I asked Amalia what she hears most often from parents about the emotionally difficult parts of raising a teen, she didn't hesitate: "I think on a really deep level, the most difficult part that I hear from a lot of parents of teens is how difficult it is to not be needed as much and to be preparing for your teen to leave your home."
She went on to explain that while this comes with feelings of celebration, you're launching this person you've raised into the world, there's also profound loss. "Maybe on the surface someone might first talk about conflict as the most difficult part, but I would say once we get into it, it's really more the feelings of loss."
This resonated so much with me. It's a both/and situation. Parents are simultaneously proud of their teen's growing independence and grieving the closeness of earlier years. That tension creates a lot of the emotional intensity we see during adolescence.
For me, what also comes to mind are all the big milestones that happen during these years: first relationships, preparing for what comes after high school, and all the fears that bubble up when parents think about letting their teen take risks and make mistakes. Even though adolescence is exactly the time for teens to do those things, it can bring up a lot of anxiety for parents.
As Amalia pointed out, "the desire to hold onto some of that control because it is so scary can lead to more conflict. It just can spin."
When Your Past Shows Up in Your Parenting
One of the trickier questions we tackled was: How can you tell the difference between an emotional response to your teen versus an emotional response that's really coming from your own past?
Amalia had such a thoughtful take on this. She explained that these two things are deeply intertwined, it's not neat, separate buckets. "Being a parent, at every stage of development, it's as if the parent is in a way going through that again themselves, reworking anything that wasn't processed at that stage of development."
And here's the thing: no one has a perfect experience growing up. We all have unprocessed stuff from our teen years. Some of it gets worked out organically as we parent, and some of it feels sticky and complicated.
Amalia offered this guideline: "If you're a parent of a teen and you're feeling like the issues or the challenges of being a parent of that teen are all about your teen, that probably requires more curiosity." When we find ourselves thinking it's all the other person's fault, especially when that other person is our child, it's likely that something painful is getting stirred up that needs attention.
Warning Signs to Watch For
I asked Amalia what that might sound like in practice. She gave some really concrete examples:
"They're just manipulating me"
"They're just a bad kid"
"I wasn't this difficult with my parents"
"They're not respecting me" (where respect might really mean submission)
The common thread? A lack of curiosity. When we're locked into thinking things should be a certain way based on our own experiences rather than our teen's reality, we lose that flexibility that's so important for connection.
I see this play out a lot around boundaries. Sometimes parents swing to extremes based on their own teen years. Maybe they were really wild as a teen, so now they're implementing super strict rules to prevent their teen from making the same mistakes. Or maybe their teenage years were easy, so they create wide-open boundaries that might not actually serve their teen well.
The reality is that parents and their teens are different people. Yes, there are similarities, but our experiences are not the same. Times are different too. I see this especially with social media and technology, where parents either set boundaries that are too rigid or too loose, often based on "well, if I would've had Instagram when I was a teen, here's what I would've done."
Common Emotional Triggers
So what are the things that tend to trigger those intense reactions from parents' own pasts?
I typically see two extremes. On one end, there's withdrawal, when teens start pulling back, talking more to their friends, spending more time alone in their rooms. This is totally developmentally appropriate, but it can feel secretive or worrying to parents, especially if they remember their own teen years and what they were doing when they were holed up in their room.
On the other end, there's acting out - risky behavior like experimenting with drugs or alcohol, reckless driving, putting themselves in potentially harmful situations. Parents who took similar risks as teens might be trying hard to prevent their teen from going down the same path. It makes sense, but it can also create a lot of fear-based parenting.
Amalia added another big one: sexuality. "This is such a time of coming into one's own sexuality and that is really loaded with cultural meaning. It could have religious significance in your house, or maybe it did for you as a teen and you're trying to do things differently."
She explained that many parents aren't happy with how their own parents handled their sexuality as teens. They want to do it differently, but they don't always know what that looks like. "If a parent has the idea 'I don't like the way it was handled for me, I wanna do it differently,' but they don't know exactly what that means, that can be disorienting."
And if there's still unprocessed stuff from their own adolescent experiences with sexuality, now they're tasked with supporting their child through that same process. As Amalia said, "It's not like there's this firm line of what's your teen's issue and what's your issue. It just sort of all comes together."
This actually came up in a workshop I do on relationships, sexuality, and identity formation for teens. I always start by asking adults what they were told about sex and relationships when they were teens. The answers are predictable: nothing, don't have sex until marriage, only date someone of the opposite gender, don't get pregnant.
Then I ask what they wish supportive adults had told them. That list is long, complex, and full of insight. But translating that into how to actually navigate these conversations with the teens in their lives? That's where it gets tricky.
As Amalia noted, "Whatever is not understood and brought to the front of your mind, it just gets repeated." Even when parents are motivated to do things differently, it's incredibly difficult not to just repeat what we know.
Fears and Worries About the Teen Years
We talked about the fears that keep parents up at night. Amalia mentioned the worst-case scenarios, fears about teens doing something unsafe or that really harms them. But there are also fears about who their teen will become: Will they share the same values? Will they be able to be independent and successful on their own?
"So on the one hand there's a fear of will they be too unsafe and too independent, and then on the other hand, it's will they be able to launch and have successful independence. And both of those at once is tough," Amalia explained.
I hear a lot of specific concerns about teens who were in school during COVID. Parents worry about social skills, specifically in-person social skills, and whether their teen will be able to successfully launch into the world after having such a pivotal time of their lives stuck at home.
And of course, in my work, a huge fear I hear is: How do I keep my teen safe online? There's this push and pull between protection and independence.
This is where that conversation about values becomes so important. It's not about controlling every aspect of their online life, but about helping them figure out who they want to be in those spaces and how they want to show up.
Amalia made such a good point about COVID that I hadn't considered: "The testing of separation was also missing for the parents. They were also delaying some of that by having their child closer more frequently. The whole family unit was sort of not getting to experiment and play with separation in the same way."
So you have these teens who are getting older and older, and everyone's been huddled together at home for months or years. When teens finally start pushing for independence, it can feel jarring and out of the blue.
Strategies for Parents
So what can parents actually do with all of this? Amalia and I both emphasized the importance of getting curious, stepping away from the fear a little bit and asking questions, trying to join your teen in whatever they're into.
Whatever the thing is - gaming, fashion, sports, theater, social media - asking about it and getting involved in a way that isn't overbearing shows your teen you're interested in them. I always encourage parents to do this with social media. You can ask questions like:
Who are the influencers you like to follow?
What accounts do you enjoy?
What do you like about Snapchat that makes it so fun for you?
Joining them in their world, rather than just trying to control it, can really help maintain that connection while also letting them have the independence they need.
Amalia beautifully framed this as re-meeting your child as they develop. "It's like you're constantly re-meeting this person as they develop, and that is a lot more fun sounding than trying to grasp onto control and keep things the same."
She's absolutely right.
Who are you?
What are you into?
Those questions don't end when kids hit a certain age. We're all developing our personalities and interests forever, and it can actually be exciting to keep discovering who your teen is becoming.
The Role of Therapy for Parents
One strategy we both strongly advocate for is parents seeking their own therapy. As Amalia explained, "If you're finding yourself feeling really intensely when you're trying to parent, and you maybe don't quite understand why, therapy's a great place to explore that."
I feel like there's a lot of encouragement for parents to seek therapy when they have little kids, those early years can be so intense. But I don't hear it talked about as much for parents of teens, and those years are also really intense, just in a different way.
Amalia pointed out that there's a cultural narrative that teens are just hard, and you should just power through it. "But it's not actually very compassionate towards yourself. There are real challenges. This is a really big transition, and why wouldn't that bring things up for you?"
Should You Tell Your Teen You're in Therapy?
We discussed whether parents should talk to their teen about being in therapy. My gut reaction was yes, normalizing mental health and seeking support is so important. But I was curious to hear Amalia's therapeutic perspective.
She said yes, as long as you can hold appropriate boundaries. "If you are not sure that you can contain it, and if you start to talk about it you're going to spill it all in a way that's not contained, I would say it's better to keep it private for now."
The key is being able to share in a way that's digestible for your teen. You can say things like:
"It's totally okay to get support. I get support."
"I'm learning coping skills in therapy."
"Therapy has helped me feel less anxious."
Those kinds of brief shares can be really valuable for de-stigmatizing mental health support.
But if you're having a lot of conflict with your teen, you don't want it to come across as "you made me need therapy because you're so difficult." And if you're not sure you can talk about it in a boundaried way, it's okay to wait.
Amalia made a really helpful distinction: "I think about the difference between privacy versus secrecy. The contents of what you're really diving into in therapy might not be appropriate to totally share. That might need to be private. But it doesn't mean that the therapy itself has to be a secret."
I love that framework. We all deserve to have some pieces that we hold to ourselves or hold until we're ready to share them or have processed them appropriately before we share them with someone else.
The Positive Changes That Come with Growth
So what happens when parents do this work? What positive changes show up in the parent-teen relationship?
Amalia was clear: "The more a parent is understanding themselves and getting help and support and having a space where they can be angry and say mean things to their therapist and then do the understanding and processing, that helps parents be more patient when they are doing the parenting."
When you're not totally overwhelmed and ready to burst with all the feelings you've been holding, you show up differently. You have more bandwidth. You can be the sturdy presence your teen needs.
I think there's also an opportunity for increased trust. When you find that balance of having realistic boundaries while also giving space for teens to explore who they are, make some safe mistakes, and take some risks, you're actually creating more space for trust to build.
Your teen might feel more comfortable coming to you and saying "I did mess up" or "I need help" or "What do you think?" or "What would you have done?" That's really exciting. I know when I was a teen, I wish I would've had that level of trust and comfort with the adults in my life.
As Amalia put it: "The more that teens see that their parent is able to process their own feelings and the more that they see that a parent is sturdy, the more they're going to feel like, okay, my parent will be able to tolerate my feelings. It's not going to be the thing that causes them to totally break down or have an explosion of anger."
When you have the support to process what you're feeling, your teen will sense that. They'll know they can say hard things, disclose things they know you won't like, and that you'll be able to tolerate it even if you feel something about it.
What a wonderful skill to learn as a parent and as a person - taking things in, knowing you're having a reaction to it, but still showing up for your teen in the moment in the way that they need.
What’s Next
Parenting is complicated, and parenting teens brings its own unique set of challenges and joys. But here's what I hope you take away from this conversation:
Your feelings matter. The grief, the anxiety, the triggers from your own past - they're all valid and worth paying attention to. Getting curious about your own reactions, seeking support when you need it, and working to separate your stuff from your teen's stuff can transform not just your relationship with your teen, but your own well-being too.
And to all the parents out there doing this work: we see you.
Want to learn more from Amalia? She offers individual therapy for adults, both in-person near downtown Detroit and online for anyone in Michigan or Pennsylvania. You can find her at amitydetroitcounseling.com.
Looking for support navigating the teen years? I offer interactive workshops for both parents and youth-serving professionals on topics like healthy technology use, teen relationships, and effective communication with teens. Also Subscribe to my biweekly newsletter, both/and, for more conversations and resources about supporting the teens in your life at bothandnewsletter.com.
